Alastor "Agent 04041953GU" Gumboil

[Warded Private to Self]

It's... December. Which is painfully obvious. It's snowing. I'm fucking freezing. I'm going to go defrost my fingers after this. Which means crowding around with the others. Fuck.

I hope I'm not here too much longer. I miss beds. And big comforters. And Elle. And the fireplace. I wonder what we'll do after. She might fancy moving. I sort of like the idea of moving. Somewhere remote. Home should always be somewhere safe, without worries.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

Seeing new faces every now and then. Generally coming from the south, but sometimes the north. They seem pretty comfortable with the rest of the pack. Possibly from other camps? I can't get away long enough to go investigate properly, but it's worth looking into.

But that means we don't have a number, either. The camps have to be self-sustaining so they can't be fucking huge or anything. And I don't know how many there are, even with trying to casually poke for information. I don't think they know either.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Elle]

I think I know how to capture a Pryce or two. Talked it over with the people it would involve before I brought it to you to make sure it would fly. But we can use the Potters place at Godric's Hollow. I know they have a vendetta against one of them. I think an ambush and a capture would do just fine.

Also, there's new faces coming in and out every couple of days. Only for an hour at a time at the most, and then they go back. I can't get away from here long enough to go investigate properly, but I think they're probably from other camps. So maybe two more? Three? I don't know. That means the numbers are all off. How big are the other camps. They have to be a manageable size, probably self-sustaining for the most part.

I love you.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

I've got an idea.

It isn't going to bring down this whole pack at once, but we can get one of the Pryces. Of course, I'll need the Potters on this, because it'll require the use of Godric's Hollow and Lily's name.

But if I can use that, then we can lure them there into the arms of a waiting Taskforce. The house should be empty otherwise, of course.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Self]

I'm... getting married.

I'm getting married. Elle is going to marry me.

As soon as this is over. As soon as this fucking pack is herded into Azkaban.

New phase of your life, Al.

Thank fuck for these potions though.

Hell, I have to tell Dedalus. I sort of just let it spill to Severus without thinking. Ah, well... he knows how to keep a secret.

[/Ward]

[Warded to Dedalus]

So... this isn't normally something I'd like to tell you over journals, but my position at the moment is a little sensitive.





Ready?





I'm getting married.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

No change. I haven't been able to leave. There's definitely 15 werewolves here, other than myself. Four or five vampires.

With all the pictures...

I thought I hadn't brought any of mine with me, but I forgot I had this taped to the last page of my journal.

( Cut for picture )

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Elle]

No change. Love you.

[/Ward]

[[Added late at night.]]
[Warded Private to Severus]

I need a favour.

[/Ward]


[[Added after this]]
[Warded Private to Abe]

Severus is going to send me a sleeping draught in a few days. Obviously I can't exactly leave to pay him. Can you take whatever he needs out of my pay? And then pass off those potions to Rhisiart?

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Self]

Why the fuck did I decide to do this in fucking November? It's fucking freezing. And I haven't been able to leave camp. Nothing new. Fifteen werewolves, minus myself. Four or five vampires - it's hard to count because they're never here at the same time and they don't get very close.

Merlin's fuck, I need to focus. Most of the time, I just think... Elle. And Marlene and Remus being on their honeymoon.

I thought after... that it was out of the question. Who the hell would marry a werewolf? I know I love her. I believe her when she says that she loves me. But it isn't.... it's not fair to make her have to answer that question for the rest of her life. It's not fair to put her in that position. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. When this is all over, I want her to still be there and for us to be okay. Things could still be okay.





I wonder what she'd say.



I'm afraid to sleep. I'm out of potions.


And I miss you, you fucking bastard. I miss you.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Elle Self]

I wish

[Warded to the Order]

Walking around the camp yesterday and today, I did a couple head counts. I'm looking at a little more than a dozen werewolves and a handful of vampires. A grand total of 20 at the most. This can't be the entire army. I'm going to see if I can actually leave the camp tomorrow. There have to be more.

Sleeping on the ground sucks. Think I'm going to sneak some sort of cushion charm tonight.

[/Ward]

[Warded to Elle]

Walking around the camp yesterday and today, I did a couple head counts. I'm looking at a little more than a dozen werewolves and a handful of vampires. A grand total of 20 at the most. This can't be the entire army. I'm going to see if I can actually leave the camp tomorrow. There have to be more.

I love you.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

I'm in, but I'm being watched. The wand thing worked out - she asked for it before we got to the camp. Someone else side-alonged us to wherever here is, and she seemed pretty intent on keeping the identity hidden. I'm thinking it's whoever is in charge. Obviously a wizard, probably a Death Eater. I'll keep an eye and ear out.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Elle]

I'm in, but I'm being watched. The wand thing worked out - she asked for it before we got to the camp. Someone else side-alonged us to wherever here is, and she seemed pretty intent on keeping the identity hidden. I'm thinking it's whoever is in charge. Obviously a wizard, probably a Death Eater. I'll keep an eye and ear out.

I love you.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Tabitha Pryce]

No, I don't know. I think I should try to write as my hand's still fucked up. It'll look better. No it'll be fine it's just a bit sore.

Well you can kiss it after, how's that?

Can you hand me that glass of water, too? Because I should be crying or something. I'm distraught obviously.

Haha, Elle, hush, it's picking up everything I'm saying. Cross it out... all of it. Yeah, no really ALL of i

I don't I can't keep doing this. They keep leaving me. Nope, fuck that, that hurts. Hahaha, stop. Er, shit, fucking dictaquills. Cross that bit o I need I just need someplace. Oh hell, I suppose I should ask prop..fuck stop DOING THAT fucking quill. Cross that shit o Can I join you? All right, all good. Now come back over here so I can fu...CROSS THAT OUT

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Self]

So if I were a crazy, muggle werewolf who was approached by some wizard werewolf, what would I want from him? Oddly enough, I'm sure getting in will be just as difficult as getting out. There has to be a certain amount of trust and she knows that I know she bit me. And I'm sure she's transcended to some sort of alpha position in the pack.

Fuck.

This is such bad fucking timing to be asking.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

Please don't jump all over me.

I need the wand Agnes was using. an extra wand.

I don't think they're just going to let me waltz in there without giving something... and I have to make them think there's some sort of trust. But the hell if I'm going to walk around there without a wand.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Self]

......She didn't... I should have apologised.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

I'm going to throw that bitch in her cage. I'm going in next Monday.

[/Ward]

[Warded to Pepper]

Where are you?

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

So, I had an idea. For the past couple months it's been pretty public that Fenrir Greyback wants me to join his army-pack-thing-whatever. Millicent Bagnold sent me a letter a couple months ago asking if I was at all interested in espionage work. I didn't want to then - I didn't want to be anywhere near any of them.

But there's an opportunity here. Greyback's been put away, which supposedly means that his pack is leaderless and probably in a bit of chaos right now. If I owl Mill again... we could possibly be set up to put people like the Pryces away as well.

It would mean I'd have to stay there with them, where ever they are for a while... but this could be a golden opportunity.

Thoughts?

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Self]

I needed this. Real change, good or bad... it always hurts. It's always a struggle, it's never easy. But that's also probably a sign that it's needed. And sometimes you have to think through and make it start by yourself. Looking back through the last month or two... I'm back and forth on this all the time. But now...

I'll always miss my brother. I'm going to miss my family.

But maybe I can just hope that I can make this change better. For me. And for Elle. And for the Order. I'm useless as a cynic, even if it's hard to not be. I'm not effective if I keep thinking like that, if keep fucking wallowing. I have to believe that I'm fucking worth something, even if none of those prejudiced bastards do. I'm a good person. This is my life. It's time get excited about it again. We only get the one chance.

I don't agree with what happened. I'll do better next time.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

Okay. I'm available for teaching again if anyone is still interested.

[/Ward]

[Warded to Elle]

I love you. Just so you know. I hope you never doubted it.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Self]

I can't help but feel a little... I don't know. I guess I should have known what I was getting myself into with the Order, but... There's something... not right about this.

It was a set up. And people... are still people. They weren't caught doing anything wrong, even if they have done bad things before.

It just seems like... what if someone was wrongly implicated? What if one of us messed up? Someone might spend a lifetime in Azkaban because we set this up poorly.

I'm sure the Malfoys and Lestranges... but.

That's all I can think. "What if...?"

Is getting nailed for what what someone else did... is that fair? I suppose I should know better than anyone. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but my brother is still gone, and that's based the prejudice of other people. On what people like Tabitha Pryce did. I know I don't want to be judged based on her actions.


But I guess it isn't the same thing. I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

Congratulations.


[[Added several hours later]]
I'm leaving for a couple days. Don't look for me.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Self]

.... They didn't even say goodbye. What sort of bullshit thing is that? And the day after the full moon? That isn't some fucking coincidence. I didn't even I didn't know they were even thinking about it. I don't know where they went. I guess that was the point. They didn't want me to. Maybe I'm supposed to be happy or something. After pushing them to leave for so long, because it was dangerous. But I would have...liked a goodbye. Or to have heard it from them instead of a colleague of mum's. I want to owl Lee but It wouldn't change anything. I'm sure he knew. Fuck, for all I know, he's probably left too. Fucking brilliant. Really. Now they're all gone.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

I need a distraction tonight. Drinks, anyone? please

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Elle]

I need to talk to you.

As soon as possible.

[/Warded to Elle]

[Warded Private to Self]

I need someone to tell me what to do. This isn't a decision I want to make.

I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't love her so much. I wish I didn't feel fucking sick at the idea of letting her go. Of making her go.

Why does it have to be different? Why can't I just take it and move on and try to live normally? What if I didn't need to drop my entire life to make this one work? Why do they even have to be separate? Not everything has to be different. Why can't I hang on to some things? Isn't that important? Isn't it important to cling to some of the good in your life when shit like this happens?

I let so much get away. I let myself get so overwhelmed and I lost so much because of it.

I'm not saying I regret joining the Order. I don't. I'm glad I'm able to do something for people. Maybe that was the problem with the Ministry. You just get so used to thinking of everything as The Public, and you forget that these are people. People that suck at dueling and need help, or people that like taking naps in the afternoon or sitting on the roof...

I'm glad I'm closer again.

But that doesn't mean... I have to just lose everything and try to find some backwards way to start over, right? I mean... she's so...

I feel so safe around her. It seems to fucking insane and backwards. I don't think she feels safe around me and I think she's still scared of me. But what do I do about that? How can I fix that? Is it even up to me? And if it's just her, then why is it that I still love her when I know she feels uncomfortable and that those strained moments are because she thought something, or I said something?

I do need to move forward. But do I have to do it alone? Do I have to do it without her?

Fuck. I need to talk to someone. But I don't even know who to turn to any more.

[/Ward]

I hate feeling so fucking lost all the time.

[Warded Private to Self]

I feel better today. More like myself. But at the same time...

I forgot my potion the night after. And Elle was there. Merlin, I'm so fucking stupid. She wasn't supposed to see. No one was supposed to see. Of course it's my fucking fault for not taking the potion. I was so tired... I didn't think it would crop up when I was that exhausted. I didn't think...

I didn't think.

Desmond knew. He always remembered to remind me about the potions after the first time. Fuck, I miss him. I miss you. It hasn't stopped hurting. I don't think I expect it to. I don't expect... much, actually. I don't expect to be contacted by mum and dad even if I sometimes hope. I don't expect the Ministry to find whoever took my brother away from me. I don't expect to see my nephew again.

I feel so disconnected sometimes. Most of the time, even. And so fucking stupid for letting myself believe that the world was okay. Bad things happened, but in the end, everything would be okay. Yeah, Al. You're a fucking idiot. The world is not okay. We fight because because it's instinct. But even if we win... IF we win... who heals from this?

I won't. I can't. I have to stop looking backwards and missing what I had. I don't believe the same things I used to believe. I am not the same man I was. When did I lose him? Was it the bite? Or maybe it was just cumulative.

Whenever it was... I don't think he's still there. I'm not the same. Maybe... I need to stop living like I wished I was. It doesn't matter. Wishing never made anything happen. I joined the Order to be doing something. I need to do something. I have to stop spending all my time in the cemetery and find something to do with my days. I need to be busy. I need to move forward. Looking back isn't conducive to moving forward.

It isn't forgetting. I don't want to forget. But I need to get my life back together. Or figure out what to do with this new one. There's so much baggage. You can't start over, not really. But maybe putting that old life away can help you make a new one.

What's holding me back? Who's holding me back? What am I still hanging onto?

Elle...

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

I'm available all day tomorrow for one-on-one lessons if anyone has something specific that they want to work on.

Also if... anyone has any errands they need run or something. I don't have a lot to do with days that I'm not teaching.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Abe]

I think I need a favour. I didn't want to just open up and ask anyone but... I don't know much of the time the Hog's Head keeps you busy but... I don't really have anything to do with the days I'm not teaching and just sitting around all the time makes me nervous fidgety uncomfortable. So, if you have anything... errands or something that you need taken care of...

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Elle]

hi love.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Self]

Merlin's left saggy fucking tit that fucking bitch. Of course it had to fucking be now. I have to be looking for stray children now because if I don't, than that fucker and the rest of her friends will kill them tomorrow.

This didn't used to be so hard. I hate that this is so hard now. I hate that as soon as the moon rises I feel less in control. And that I'm outside searching under every fucking bridge in England looking for children that will likely be dead anyway.

How has it been a month already?

I shouldn't sign up to teach so close to the full. Fuck load of good it did for Emmeline. Fuck.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

I'm back in for the night. I'll do some more searching in the early morning.

[/Ward]

[Warded Private to Self]

Well... I doubt there's any turning back now. And even if there was... we'll see. I suppose they have to have been doing something right to avoid capture. That and... having people like Moody and Dumbledore. Fuck's sake. But then... who else would have the bollocks?

It's Elle's birthday on Monday. I have ideas, but nothing solid. This is the kind of thing... that I need Dad for. Is it even appropriate? I don't know any more.

Fucking Merlin. I didn't realise how late it got. I suppose... I lose track of time more often these days. There's too much of it. And then the moon rises and I can't help but just... sit outside for awhile.

[/Ward]

[Warded to the Order]

Er... hi Anything I can do to help? I could teach o

[/Ward]

Nice night.